Just so you know...

I tend to be very sarcastic at times.
And when I wrote my blog on "Dumb Ass of the Year..."
I thought I was doing just that.

I know that it was his choice not to make HIS issues known.
He has made some very poor choices in his life...
that have affected me,
and our daughters.
But that is over.
The girls and I are going to do our very best to move forward,
forgive, forget, and heal.

Surely, it will take a lot of time.
But there's no time like the present.

Thank You

To all of my friends~Jeanie, Chris, Myra, Carolyn, Helen, Vivian, Amy Jo, Glenda, Marlene, Teresa, Tish, Jean Ellen, Todd, Brenda, Fran, Micahel...

To my family~Mom, John, Carla, Donna, Deby, Allan, Green-Pop, Frank...

To my children~Brittany and Shannon...

Thank you.

Thank you for being you...thank you for sharing your friendship, your shoulder to cry on, your boot in my butt, your love and caring. It means everything to me.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

The Dumb Ass Award Goes To...

~A hush falls over the audience~
"and the winner is"
Janet...She is the Dumb Ass of the Year!
~the crowd cheers~
Yeah...that's just about how I feel.
You see...once again,
he has said that he had been miserable for 20 years with me.
So obviously, I deserve this award.
Because I was so stupid..
Such an idiot...
I didn't see that the man I loved was in so much distress being with me.
I must really suck.

The man is a pathological liar.
He needs help.
He needs meds.
He has been caught in so many lies...
so many tales...
and yet...he still got the girl.
Go figure.
Oh yeah, I talked to the new girlfriend.
She is very, very nice.
She loves him.
He loves her...of course,
it is a relationship built on lies,
but I don't think that matters to anyone.
If his whole world hadn't come crashing down around him
he would still be lying...
oh wait...
he is.
But he got caught,
BIG TIME...
BUSTED!!!
And he still got the girl.
I told her to be careful.
He has lied for so many years,
he doesn't know what the truth is anymore.

Yes it still hurts.
To know that it was so awful being with me
and that he was so unhappy.
~ok...he said it wasn't ALL bad...(he's changed his mind, I guess.)~
Yes it hurts to know that he is so much happier now.
~but is he really?~
ok...he left his job for her.
he moved for her.
but...
he's still lying.
Why?
What does it mean in the grand scheme of things?
Nothing except that he is now her problem...
not mine.

The Other Woman...(well, one of them!)

Late last night, something happened to me that was so bizarre,
so...surreal,
that it has left my head spinning.
I talked to the other woman.
The woman who is hell-bent on bringing mr wonderful down.
The woman who cheated with my husband, while he was cheating on her...
with two other women.
Does this man have any scruples at all?
Does he have any morals?
Does he have any heart?
This woman told me things that only Bruce and I would know.
She told me what my kids got for Christmas last year.
She told me where I lived and worked.
She knew too much about me,
and I was left in the dark.
How many more women are out there?
From what she told me...
yeah,
he did her wrong.
And guess what...
He has apologized to her for treating her so poorly.
So to this I say,
what about me?
What about our children?
Talk about a moment to define all...
Hearing it from the other woman.

The Beginning of the End

When Bruce was getting ready to leave for Texas last February of 2004 (for his job with Westinghouse)...
he didn't want to be with me.
Yes, I mean intimately.
I tried not to let it bother me,
but it did.
He had never been like that before.
Especially when it was a fact that he would be gone for over six weeks.
He did call from Texas,
but not as much as he usually did.
And when we talked,
there was a strain,
and I didn't know why.
I even joked with my mom that I hoped we wouldn't be getting a divorce.
I guess that somehow I just knew.
In April, when he walked through the door of our house,
I was shocked.
He had lost about 50 pounds while he was gone.
His clothes were hanging on him.
He gave me a bouquet of flowers with a balloon...
and it said...
thank you.
I asked him for what...
and he said for taking care of my kids.
That really threw me.
I mean...I just didn't understand it.
And I cried...and cried...and cried.
I knew it was going to be bad.
He never wanted to be with me again.
Physically or emotionally.
Oh we tried...I guess.
But it was definitely a half-hearted attempt,
on his part.
He got to the point where if I hugged him,
he wouldn't hug back.
Or...
if I got to close to him,
he would actually turn his body sideways...
so that I wouldn't touch him.
ouch.
Talk about pain.
I didn't know what was going on...
I didn't understand any of it...
and I was trying to desperately to hold onto my marriage.
My life.
Talk about mental cruelty.
He is a master of it now.
These are things that I won't soon forget.
And now everybody will know just a little more...
about me...
and why this has hurt me so.
Hurt my kids.
He made me feel like less of a woman...
less of a human being.
I didn't matter anymore.
And I wasn't even given the common courtesy of knowing why.

Changes

I have a feeling that there are some big changes in the air.
Something is going to happen,
and it will be sooner rather than later.
I can't explain it.
But I feel it.

I am in the process of writing him a letter.
A very detailed letter that is to be given to him upon my death.
Not that it will matter much to him,
or anyone else...
but it does to me.
~and no, don't take this as "the bad thing that will be happening soon"
not me...not yet.~
It's just that,
after thinking about this for some time,
I feel like I need to get some things off my chest,
and he is the one that needs to know them.
I'm really not fooling myself.
I know he doesn't really care.
So, why does it matter so much to me?
I don't know that I can answer that...
it just does.

I have a very dear friend,
whom, it would appear,
is working things out with their ex.
I am thrilled for my friend.
And I am jealous.
I know that I don't want Mr. Wonderful back,
but
it would be nice if we were able to talk...
to communicate...
about issues that invaded our marriage.
To find some sort of closure.
To understand what happened.
To know that I was worth more,
that just some random person to be lied to.
To find the peace that I need in my heart.

I know that I sound like a broken record.
I want everything that everyone else wants in their life.
Love, happiness, joy, health, family, friends...
Take two steps forward,
and three steps back...
'Tis my life...
for now.
It is exhausting.

My Baby is 18!

EGAD!! My daughter, Brittany, is 18 today!

It seems like only yesterday that we were bringing her home from the Naval Hospital in Groton, Connecticut. Trying to place her into her car seat of our 1986 red Mustang. Poor baby, she got her little noggin bumped a few times! That was one of the happiest times of my life. I was a mom! Me! (Just call me mommy, thank you very much!) Oh the joy that was brought into my little world that day! I couldn't have been more proud! Brittany Katherine Cameron...it was like a melody to my ears. She weighed 9lbs~4oz, with strawberry blonde hair, and the biggest blue eyes ever. Perfection.

And now...she's such a beautiful young woman. An adult. My daughter can vote. My daughter can legally go out into this world, and be whatever she wants to be. She can do whatever she wants to do.

And yet, she still needs me...her mom. I am so lucky to have her in my life.

One of the Blessings that God has allowed me to have. I love her so much!

Life is Looking Better Again! Go Figure!

Ok...I know...I know...
I go from one end of the spectrum to the other.
I'm sad then happy.
I feel lost, then I feel like it's all good.
Geez...I drive myself nuts!
I read the following this morning...
andit hit me in the head like a line drive.
~You'll never move forward unless you get rid of the excuses in your way~
~Fear is holding you back~
~Stop mourning your old life, and get a new one~
Makes sense, doesn't it?
Sometimes easier said than done...
but I've got to try...
NO...I've got to do it!

I think I'd like to go on a date...any takers? :)
heehee!
(Feels good to smile!)

Emotions are Running High

Here's the thing.
I don't think anyone fully understands just how I am feeling inside.
Yes, many of my friends have gone through a divorce...through the pain of infidelity...and yes, they have been greeted by a new life on the other side.
And for that I am grateful.
They deserve to be happy.
But it just seems for me, that it goes on and on and on...
I see no light at the end of this tunnel.
I want to be happy.
I want to be thrilled with life.
I want to be crazy in love again.
I want so many things.
If it were as easy as they say to get a divorce, then I would be divorced by now.
Unfortunately, that is not going to happen for me.
I have been blamed for things that I haven't done.
I am being accused of things that are absolutely ludicrous.
My children have been told things about me that were completely unacceptable, and untrue.
And I am the one who is supposed to keep her chin up.
Just put one foot in front of the other and keep moving forward.
Well, I know that...I realize what needs to be done.
But I am so exhausted.
I am so tired of this.
When people divorce, is it really necessary to inflict such emotional pain on the one person you used to care the most about?
I don't understand it.
And I know I probably never will.
So then, why can't this just be done, and go away, so we can heal?
And move on.
I am feeling broken.
So disgusted.
And feeling so lost.

My Dad

Today is also the 22nd anniversary of my dad's death.
22 years.
That seems like a lifetime ago.
I loved my dad so much.
He was such a funny man.
The only person I know who loved "hee-haw" and "benny hill".
egad! those shows were awful!
But my dad would laugh and laugh when they were on.
and of course, I would sit on the couch and watch with him.
It was great.
I wish he could have met his grand-daughters.
He would really dig them!
I'm not sure if he would be proud of me or not.
I think he would.
But this past year has been pretty awful.
Maybe I've done things to disappoint him.
I hope not.
And if I have, I hope he can forgive me.
I certainly have thought some "not so pleasant thoughts" about mr wonderful.
Maybe he would understand.
I'm 42 and haven't had a dad for 22 years.
Geez, I was 20 when he died.
20.
Seems like a lifetime ago.