What I'm Thankful For...

With Thanksgiving only days away,
I have felt the need to look at my life,
and find what is most important to me,
and for what I am most thankful.

My gorgeous daughters...Brittany and Shannon.
They are a shining light in my heart.
They give me hope.
They give me strength.
They give me life.

My family and friends.
For always supporting me...
and standing by me.

The people in my life
have given me the strength to go on.
To keep trying.
To move forward.

And they won't allow me to think that I'm not worth it.

So thank you, everyone.

Why?

I am sick and tired of my life.
Of me.
And I don't know how to change.
How sad is that?
I'm the only one that can do it,
and I don't know how.
I try and I try to be happy.
But I'm really not.
Quite simply, my heart it still broken.
Why have I taken so much of this on myself?
I feel like a failure.
I only ever wanted two things in my life.
My marriage and my children.
Well, my marriage has failed.
So, in turn, haven't I failed my children?
If I couldn't be enough for my husband,
how can I be enough for my kids?

Sure, he may have some guilt, however,
I doubt he thinks of it much.
He has a roof over his head, he has food on his table,
he has insurance, and a paycheck that will make sure he
can provide for himself and his "new family".
I can't even make my car payment and insurance payment
out of one of my checks.
My credit is in the toilet because I had to file...
and he just skipped merrily into another relationship.

My friend asked me last night why I am letting him have this power of me.
And to that I say...
I just don't know.
Why am I taking this all on myself?
Why the hell am I stuck on the fact that I wasn't worth a fight?
Why the hell am I letting him have this hold on me?
Why the hell am I doing this? To myself?
Why the hell does it bother me so very much that his actions are ok with everyone...
no one seems to care that he did this to me...to the girls.
Everyone just wants poor little Brucie to be happy. he deserves it, right?
f*** that!!!
I mean, after all...the poor guy was stuck with me for all those years...
so miserable.
it must have been awful to be in a loveless, hopeless marriage...
coming home to me had to have been a real drag.
damn.

Why the hell am I taking this all on myself?

What is Going On?

I don't sleep much.
But still,
I had a dream last night.
Dare I say who it was about???
Yeah...Mr. Wonderful.
What is going on?
I can't understand it.
In my dream, he wanted to come home.
He wanted to be part of the family again.
He was sorry for everything.
He missed us.
OK~Whatever!!!
Why did I have a dream like that?
He doesn't want to come back...
and more importantly...
I don't want him to.
Sure, it would be kind of cool if he wanted to...
so I could turn him down.
(mean, maybe...but true)
So...why did I have this dream?
I don't understand.
When is this nonsense called "my life" going to end?
I am so ready for something new in my life.
Geez!
I just don't understand.