Why?
I am sick and tired of my life.
Of me.
And I don't know how to change.
How sad is that?
I'm the only one that can do it,
and I don't know how.
I try and I try to be happy.
But I'm really not.
Quite simply, my heart it still broken.
Why have I taken so much of this on myself?
I feel like a failure.
I only ever wanted two things in my life.
My marriage and my children.
Well, my marriage has failed.
So, in turn, haven't I failed my children?
If I couldn't be enough for my husband,
how can I be enough for my kids?
Sure, he may have some guilt, however,
I doubt he thinks of it much.
He has a roof over his head, he has food on his table,
he has insurance, and a paycheck that will make sure he
can provide for himself and his "new family".
I can't even make my car payment and insurance payment
out of one of my checks.
My credit is in the toilet because I had to file...
and he just skipped merrily into another relationship.
My friend asked me last night why I am letting him have this power of me.
And to that I say...
I just don't know.
Why am I taking this all on myself?
Why the hell am I stuck on the fact that I wasn't worth a fight?
Why the hell am I letting him have this hold on me?
Why the hell am I doing this? To myself?
Why the hell does it bother me so very much that his actions are ok with everyone...
no one seems to care that he did this to me...to the girls.
Everyone just wants poor little Brucie to be happy. he deserves it, right?
f*** that!!!
I mean, after all...the poor guy was stuck with me for all those years...
so miserable.
it must have been awful to be in a loveless, hopeless marriage...
coming home to me had to have been a real drag.
damn.
Why the hell am I taking this all on myself?
Of me.
And I don't know how to change.
How sad is that?
I'm the only one that can do it,
and I don't know how.
I try and I try to be happy.
But I'm really not.
Quite simply, my heart it still broken.
Why have I taken so much of this on myself?
I feel like a failure.
I only ever wanted two things in my life.
My marriage and my children.
Well, my marriage has failed.
So, in turn, haven't I failed my children?
If I couldn't be enough for my husband,
how can I be enough for my kids?
Sure, he may have some guilt, however,
I doubt he thinks of it much.
He has a roof over his head, he has food on his table,
he has insurance, and a paycheck that will make sure he
can provide for himself and his "new family".
I can't even make my car payment and insurance payment
out of one of my checks.
My credit is in the toilet because I had to file...
and he just skipped merrily into another relationship.
My friend asked me last night why I am letting him have this power of me.
And to that I say...
I just don't know.
Why am I taking this all on myself?
Why the hell am I stuck on the fact that I wasn't worth a fight?
Why the hell am I letting him have this hold on me?
Why the hell am I doing this? To myself?
Why the hell does it bother me so very much that his actions are ok with everyone...
no one seems to care that he did this to me...to the girls.
Everyone just wants poor little Brucie to be happy. he deserves it, right?
f*** that!!!
I mean, after all...the poor guy was stuck with me for all those years...
so miserable.
it must have been awful to be in a loveless, hopeless marriage...
coming home to me had to have been a real drag.
damn.
Why the hell am I taking this all on myself?
posted by Janet @ 2:08 PM
1 Comments:
At 11:52 AM,
Becky said…
I was where you are not that long ago. There is life after divorce. You're mariage wasn't a failure, it just didn't work. Things weren't right. It couldn't have been a failure or a mistake, you have two wonderful girls who I'm sure you love very much, from that marriage.
You haven't failed them either. You have to look at it as showing them that it's not ok for a man to do what 'Brucie' did to you. You filed, because I'm sure you couldn't go on the way things were.
His issues, his problems are his, and not reflections of you. His moving on is not a reflection of you, but sign that he's not secure and strong enough to be on his own.
I've been where you are, and life goes on, it gets better. I know you don't know me from Adam, but I would be willing to exchange emails with you if you would like, and offer any support I can, from my experience. My blog is beckydworld.blogspot.com, and my email address is becky.d.hood@us.abb.com. If you would like to chat, I will offer up support. Life is not over, this is not a reflection of you. You are not a failure, you are worthy of love and happiness.
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