Loneliness
Do you ever feel lonely?
I do.
I have my children.
I have my friends.
I have my family.
But it's not enough.
I'm lonely.
When you have a partner...your best friend...
someone who loves you, and wants to be with you...
who holds you, and makes you feel secure...
you don't feel lonely,
because you have what you need.
When someone tells you all of those things,
then one day decides that it was never real...
you question everything.
About yourself...about your choices...about your sanity...about your lack of brain cells.
You are angry and hurt. Confused and bewildered.
And then the loneliness sets in.
Will I ever feel someone's touch again?
Am I worth it?
Will I believe it if anyone ever tells me I am?
I hope I'm lucky enough to find out.
I do.
I have my children.
I have my friends.
I have my family.
But it's not enough.
I'm lonely.
When you have a partner...your best friend...
someone who loves you, and wants to be with you...
who holds you, and makes you feel secure...
you don't feel lonely,
because you have what you need.
When someone tells you all of those things,
then one day decides that it was never real...
you question everything.
About yourself...about your choices...about your sanity...about your lack of brain cells.
You are angry and hurt. Confused and bewildered.
And then the loneliness sets in.
Will I ever feel someone's touch again?
Am I worth it?
Will I believe it if anyone ever tells me I am?
I hope I'm lucky enough to find out.
posted by Janet @ 1:51 PM
2 Comments:
At 2:46 PM,
todd day said…
Loneliness is natural. It hurts like hell, but it is natural. A lot of it depends on how much time you have to just sit and "think". The first year and a half after Tori left, I did a lot of that .... just sat around and thought .... about everything that happened and all the why's and how's and what's and when's .... you get the picture. And I thought about myself a lot and what was I gonna do with my life? Where would I go? What would I do?
When I made the decision to go back to school last fall I remember thinking to myself that it would be so good to just get the hell out of the house for a change. Oh how true that prophecy turned out to be! I can honestly say that my life has made a remarkable change for the better just since last August ... and I'm not talking about Tori and I's little "fling" ... I mean just the fact that I got out of the freakin' house and started doing stuff. Yeah .... it's killing me some nights .. but with my thoughts occupied and my hands no longer idle, I've found a purpose and a sense of self esteem I've been missing.
Oh, I still have bouts with loneliness. But the nights I find myself home alone are almost a blessing now ... LOL ... those nights are my nights so relax, unwind, regroup, catch up ....
Now .. don't think I'm suggesting you just rush out and start taking classes or something ... LOL .... what I'm getting at is that eventually, you'll find yourself easing back into the old life you had in terms of doing things and going places and just "living" and it will happen gradually and one day you'll realixe that you're so busy that you don't even think about being "alone" anymore .... and you'll be fine with it.
I think once I got over the idea that my happiness and well-being depended on Tori .... then I started making my own life and my own happiness and suddenly, I don't miss her near as much as I used to. A part of me will always miss her but I know I have a life that is complete and important and WORTHY all by itself!
I think that you will feel exactly the same way one day. Exactly. I have a feeling that the day Britt walks up on the podium to get her diploma this spring will probably swell your pride and self-esteem up so high that you will feel like a million freakin' dollars and you will say, "Ha! Look what I did! I raised her! I brought her to this point and look what she's accomplished!"
I can't wait to hear about it when that happens.
Life is so full of surprises ... whatever happens will happen and I'm just going to enjoy the ride at all costs.
I'm human, and I'm gonna hurt sometimes and so will you .... but WE ARE STRONG ... WE ARE BIGGER AND BETTER THAN THOSE WHO TRIED TO TEAR US DOWN!
And we will have a life and in the end, I have a feeling that the ones who were so selfish and started all this mess will find themselves back to the point of loneliness and despair that they imparted on us!
Talk to ya soon, friend!!!!
At 2:16 PM,
Nimbostratusdweller said…
Janet, even being with someone can be really lonely. I am lonliest with the person who isn't emotionally availalble.
Sometimes I think it is just in our stars to be lonely. I mean , what can you do if you are not relating to peole, if you stick out like a sore thumb? Or fade against the wallpaper?
Sometimes I met a person I can really relate to, the whole world seems less lonely then, but it seems they are never around for long.
My astrologer says I have it in my stars to be lonely, feel lost.
Somehow we just have to learn to love the one we're with, ourselves, in all our misery, and all our doubting, and all our divinity. Somehow when we know we are ok, being lonely isn't so bad anymore. It certainly beats being with those who are so very very different from ourselves.
And in a sense, once we can begin to embrace our selves, we see we are all, the same.
Mostly it is the fighting, resisting anythng that makes it soo painful, if you can notice how you are feeling when you say you are lonely, you might see you are not really feeling lonely,... but thinking lonely.
Do it and notice the difference! Shift.
There is a huge difference. try it, I do, and when I do, I see the difference.
Mind is just annoying, it tells us all kinds of crap. It's like a computer that won't shut up. When we begin feeling instead of thinking, the mind stops, and there is momentary peace.
Shift..shift..shift..together we can do it better....best love to you.
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