Dealing...

Do you ever feel like you're drowning?
And you can't reach the surface to take a much needed breath?
Do you ever feel like you're encased in a bubble?
And you can't break free?
Sometimes, I feel just like that.
Like I'm in a bubble, rolling around, doing what I feel I am supposed to do...
playing the game, following the rules...
and I can't break free...
and be me again.
I don't know who I am anymore.
What happened to the girl with the strawberry blonde hair?
The girl with hopes and dreams?
I'm now a woman with strawberry blonde hair...fighting a losing battle with gray.
I was once a person who knew what she wanted...needed...to be fulfilled,
but have now turned into someone who can't find her way.
I can't break free to the other side.
I can't catch my breath.
And what's worse...
I don't know how to figure this out.
Sometimes I just want to scream until my voice is gone.
Sometimes I just want to run...far away.
Sometimes I just want to embrace everyone and everything around me.
Sometimes I just want to be left alone.
Sometimes I just want to be with my friends.
I MISS my friends.
I am lucky to have so many...but they live all over the United States.
I wish I could see them now!
Oh...it's all good.
I'm just trying to figure this life of mine out...
it can be overwhelming,
you know?

An Apology to All...

I'm sorry.
I guess I was in some sort of mood this morning.
I let my anger get the best of me, and take me to a level I would rather not go to.
I hope you will accept my apology.

A Letter to Mr. Wonderful

Bruce,

I realize that nothing really matters anymore, and I'm not sure why I feel compelled to write this, but there is so much that I want you to know…to understand…to grasp…about how your actions affected my life, and the life of our daughters. I need to do this so that I can finally put this chapter in my life to rest.

The decisions you made ultimately left three women very torn and confused. And yet, your stupidity has brought us closer together than ever before…and for that, I thank you. You will never know the closeness that I share with Brittany and Shannon…because you only thought of yourself so long ago.

Words cut like a knife, and you left me ravaged and bleeding; telling me things that no kind and caring human would ever say to another person. Yet you felt compelled to hurt me, over and over again. By telling me that I was unattractive, that you couldn’t stand to feel my touch, that we never had anything real, that you never loved me…you took away any confidence or self-worth I had. I was nothing to you except the butt of a very cruel joke. And seeing my very naked husband on an adult web-site was as low as you could go. How incredibly stupid you are. So tell me…how does it feel to hurt the person that loved you the most?

You are a stupid, ignorant person whose selfishness supersedes all. Your penis and your so-called sense of self were more important to you than your family. You were easily swayed into believing that screwing women from all walks of life was going to make you happier, and I am sure that finally getting to give it to so many woman in the ass really made you the man you always wanted to be.

You are a pathological liar. You are a sad, pitiful person. You had to hurt so many people to feel good about yourself. You had to lie to so many people to feel good about yourself. What a shame it is that you decided you weren’t good enough as you were, and became the “man” you did. What a shame.

Brittany is such a beautiful and wonderful person…it is so sad that you chose your self over her. You have missed out on so much. Of course, that was your choice. How could you ever think differently? You chose to lie and cheat your way out of this family, and now you are an outsider. It is so sad that your ignorance has hurt her so very much.


Shannon is so sweet and kind. And your actions have made her question everything and everyone. You will never know just how much you hurt her. She loves you, and yet has no respect for you. What a wonderful role model you turned out to be. I’m sure that our daughters are very appreciative of the fact that they have you to look up to.

Am I angry? Yes. You took everything that I wanted and hoped for, and threw it all back at me. You destroyed our family because you only thought of yourself. You lied to us, and you hurt us to further your own selfish and greedy needs.

My daughters and I are a family now. We are the family unit. And you are on the outside, just the way you wanted it. What a sad, sad day it was when you decided you could do better.

So, congratulations. In the end, I know I did better than you. Better because I deserved so much more than a lying, no-good, screw up. And better because after it was all said and done, I still had the love and respect of my children.

Too bad you can’t say the same.

I LOVE My Girls!

I love my girls.
I love my girls.
I love my girls.
I need some breathing room.
I love my girls.
I love my girls.
I love my girls.

:)

Yesterday...

Yesterday, the scariest thing happened to me.
I almost ended up as road kill.
Let me put it this way...
I had to slam on my brakes,
and so did the semi...
He ended up going a little sideways,
as did I.
I tried to play it off like it was all good,
but to be very honest with you...
I was freaked out.
I kept my composure until I talked to Chris and Jeanie...
then I cried.
What in the world happened? I don't really know.
Did I have too much on my mind?
So much that I wasn't totally focused on my driving?
I don't know how to answer that.
I felt ok...I felt in control...
Talk about something to get your blood pumping.
Thank God the girls weren't with me.
I'm not ready to leave them yet.
Geez...I was so scared.

Who Am I Kidding?

Who am I kidding?
This bites!
Yeah, I'm in a good mood.
Yeah, I'm doing alright.
Yeah, the kids are doing fine.
But...
It's always there.
I just can't seem to shake it off.
That nagging feeling in my gut...
that I wasn't good enough to work for.
That my kids weren't worth the fight.
He dropped everything for her...
(yeah, I know because he got CAUGHT!)
But...
he still did it.
For her.
For himself.
But not for us.
That really bites.
Jackass!

How Do I Forgive?

How do I take the next step?
To be able to give forgiveness,
and accept forgiveness...
Between you and me,
I don't think Bruce did everything
because of hatred for me,
or his family.
Do I have to forgive him in order to move to the next level?
Do I need forgiveness in order to move to the next level?
I do believe in God,
and I pray that he will direct me,
to make the right decisions,
and pursue the right path
for me and my children.
I know that I will need help with this.
My head knows what needs to be done,
but my heart won't allow it yet.
I need to figure this out somehow...
to sort through what's left of my feelings...
and find the Janet that has been MIA for so long.
I lived for my family,
and in the meantime,
forgot who I was.
I don't want to feel so lost anymore.
While my kids are my life,
they are only ONE part of my life.
And while I thought Bruce was my life,
it's obvious that he wasn't.
I need to find that place deep inside of me,
that will process what was the last bit of my marriage,
and see that all he did was move on with his life.
Even though,
I think he went about it in all of the wrong ways,
by not giving me the courtesy of being his equal...
his friend...
his wife.
I have to say goodbye
to what was,
and hello
to what will come.
My children deserve it.
And so do I.