She's Home

She's home.

It was a long, hard road, but she's home.
It's not easy, though.
I some how feel broken inside.
I don't feel like I can trust anyone...
and that doesn't feel good.

Again...the ripple effect.
You know, like when you throw a pebble into the water,
and watch how the rings around the mark of entry grow bigger and bigger...
going on and on...
that's how I feel.
Everything has a ripple effect.
Everything that has happened the past two years...
just keeps going on and on.
I don't know how to stop it.
Everyone thinks I should...
but I still feel stuck...
caught up in the waves that grow bigger and bigger.

My oldest is home,
and seems to be trying...but I'm not sure that I trust that yet.
Is she just "snowing" me?
Saying what I want to hear?
I don't know.

And now my youngest is trying me...
pushing buttons and testing limits set.
Is is just because she is 15?
Or is it more?
She changed when her sister left.
And she has a "boyfriend".
I think its moving way too fast...
and that scares me.
She thinks she is so much more mature than her sister.
She doesn't even fully understand the realm of what could happen to her.
I don't want her to grow up to fast.
She thinks she can handle anything.
Oh, to be so naive again.

She tells me that I don't trust her...
and she's right.
I don't really trust in anyone or anything anymore.
That's no way to live.
So what do I do?
I'm afriad of losing her too.
How pathetic is that?
She's been very mouthy and argumentative with me.
And because I'm the only one here to be the "heavy"...
the only one to lay down any rules with her...
she wants to go and see her dad.
I don't know why that bothers me, but it does.
I'm the one that has been here.
I'm the one who has had to deal with everything...
all the ripple effects, on my own, trying to save my family.
And he gets the good side of her now...

I never knew I could feel so crappy about so many things,
but the past two years have shown me that I'm not the person I thought I was.
I feel lost, and I don't know who to fix me.

But for now, I should just rejoice and be happy knowing that my oldest daughter is back.
She's home.

And pray that my youngest doesn't follow in her sister's footsteps.