Loneliness

Do you ever feel lonely?
I do.
I have my children.
I have my friends.
I have my family.
But it's not enough.
I'm lonely.

When you have a partner...your best friend...
someone who loves you, and wants to be with you...
who holds you, and makes you feel secure...
you don't feel lonely,
because you have what you need.

When someone tells you all of those things,
then one day decides that it was never real...
you question everything.
About yourself...about your choices...about your sanity...about your lack of brain cells.
You are angry and hurt. Confused and bewildered.
And then the loneliness sets in.

Will I ever feel someone's touch again?
Am I worth it?
Will I believe it if anyone ever tells me I am?
I hope I'm lucky enough to find out.

Feelings....whoa,whoa,whoa...feelings...

Ok...enough already...I know, I know...
what is it about me?
why is it that I can feel ok somedays,
even happy...
and others, not so good.

How is it that I can have so many different feelings going through me at once?
But also know that the underlying foundation of my soul is now sadness...
When I look in the mirror, and look at my eyes, I see someone filled with unhappiness.
I see someone who lookes tired, confused, and overwhelmed.
But I still have to put on my game~face, and try to be happy for everyone.
I don't want my daughters to see me as a loser.
Sometimes I just don't think I can do this.
And I know I have to.

Its hard to still (somewhat) care deep-deep down,
and pretend that you don't.
Or even worse...
know that you shouldn't.

It's Time for a Transformation in 2006

With this new year,
I'm hoping that I will be able to transform myself,
my life,
and become someone filled with self confidence,
and self worth.
Proud of myself, and what I have accomplished.
Eager to get out into the world again,
to face all challenges,
and make the most of today.

On December 26th, I was involved in a car accident.
An elderly woman ran a red light, and hit my car...
my new car, I might add...
causing nearly $8500 worth of damage.
Shannon was with me, and is fine...
I'm fine too, (yeah, I hit my head and my left shoulder is a lovely shade of green),
but I'm ok.
Except that I was questioning...
Why me...again?
What am I not getting?
What lesson do I still need to learn?
How many tests do I have to go through?
How strong do I need to be?
But you know what...I'm not going to do that anymore.
There is a reason...
I just don't know it yet.
I may never know it.
But...
Maybe it was to show me that my life means something to someone...
Maybe it was to show me that there are always going to be hurdles,
you just have to face them, and go with the flow...

So this year, I will strive to be the best I can be,
and I will work hard to achieve new goals...
and I will work very hard to find myself again,
and be happy just because...

I'm worth it.

in life what sometimes appears to be the end
is really a new beginning.