yeah. i'm still here...

Just a little note, to all who care...i'm still around.
Life has been throwing me some major curve balls of late,
and i have been trying to hit them out of the ball park.
i'm beginning to think that i am the victim of a major practical joke.
and its just not funny, you know?

~calgon, take me away~ :)

later!

divorce sucks...and not only for me

it is so bizarre...how my life has turned out.
the events that have taken place in the past year and a half, have changed so many people.
i never thought we would be a statistic.
and yet, we are.
but it is the happenings that are going on "behind the scenes", that don't really involve me anymore, but are constantly brought to my attention; thrown in my face, if you will. I see a little more clearly everyday, that what is going on, no matter how much it hurts, is probably the best thing that ever could have happened to me. My children don't deserve what has happened, but for even them, I know that this is the right thing. The man who used to be number one in our lives, is so out of character; so out of control, that it is frightening.
but, oh how i wish, things would get easier for us. my youngest daughter is now facing what my oldest and i have known for quite some time now, and it absolutely breaks my heart that she is in so much pain. her tears rip me to shreds inside, and i would do anything humanly possible to take her pain away.
and yet, i can't.
this man has taken my childrens happy, oblivious youthfulness from them, and that makes me very angry...and sad.
how do you hurt what you have created?
my beautiful girls...they deserve so much more.

Just Venting...Again!

It has been awhile since I last wrote.
I have certainly had my ups and downs lately.
And I am trying to put everything into perspective.
And get this new life of mine, moving forward.
~Don't stop yourself from imagining what might be.
If you can see yourself doing it, it's well within your grasp.~
Sometimes that is easier said than done.
~You may be going through a rough time right now,
but God is getting ready to bless you in a way that only He can.
Keep the faith.~
I try so very hard to do that.
My friends and family rally around me and my beautiful girls...
trying so hard to keep us motivated and upbeat,
when all three of us sometimes feel like running away.
But that's not really an option, is it?!
WE WILL BE FINE!
I will see to it!
(and I wasn't a mistake. I know that deep in my heart.)
so to you, Mr. Wonderful...I could be very angry with you,
but really,
I just feel sorry for you!
You Really BLEW IT!

This if MY Beautiful Life...(yeah, right!)...heehee!!!

My Mr. Wonderful has tried to intimidate me once again.
This time, with the pre-tense of bringing his lawyer into my world...once again...to do what is right for "his" kids. (I've been told that I'm not doing my job as a mother. Not doing what needs to be done to take care of my girls.) uh...psycho comes to mind!

Yeah, right. My girls are my life. And everything I do is with them in mind. They are my world. I am about at my wits end with this man...scratch that!!!...I AM AT MY WITS END!
He has some nerve trying to intimidate me, when he's the one that just can't face the music...he doesn't want to believe that my girls are angry at him for everything he has done. I just can't figure this out. I try to protect my girls. I try to keep them happy, and healthy, and sane. And its always my fault when the girls are angry with him, lash out at him, don't want to talk to him.
I don't know what to do any more. I really just want him to leave me alone. He has gotten everything he wanted...he got rid of me...he has a new life...a newer, younger woman...he doesn't have HIS kids, but he has hers...he makes no effort what so ever to see HIS kids, and he's mad at me for everything. What did I miss? I must have been asleep in class when the teacher gave out the notes. Because my oldest daughter has an attitude with her dad, he wants to get the lawyers involved...and for what? Does he think he's going to take my girls away from me? Does he think he can possibly do that? I'm sorry that they aren't getting along...I really am. I don't want my daughters to grow up with out their father in their lives. But he isn't much acting like a father, is he?

You know...I just want to wake up one time...after having a wonderful, full nights sleep...and feel relaxed, and happy...just to be here. It has been so long...I can't remember. I want to be happy. I don't want to be lonely anymore. I want the life that I always dreamed of. I want someone to love, and someone who loves me. I want my children to be happy, and carefree. I want them to have a positive role model in their life...someone they can look up to, and be proud to call their dad. Is it out of my reach? Am I asking to much?