Changes
I have a feeling that there are some big changes in the air.
Something is going to happen,
and it will be sooner rather than later.
I can't explain it.
But I feel it.
I am in the process of writing him a letter.
A very detailed letter that is to be given to him upon my death.
Not that it will matter much to him,
or anyone else...
but it does to me.
~and no, don't take this as "the bad thing that will be happening soon"
not me...not yet.~
It's just that,
after thinking about this for some time,
I feel like I need to get some things off my chest,
and he is the one that needs to know them.
I'm really not fooling myself.
I know he doesn't really care.
So, why does it matter so much to me?
I don't know that I can answer that...
it just does.
I have a very dear friend,
whom, it would appear,
is working things out with their ex.
I am thrilled for my friend.
And I am jealous.
I know that I don't want Mr. Wonderful back,
but
it would be nice if we were able to talk...
to communicate...
about issues that invaded our marriage.
To find some sort of closure.
To understand what happened.
To know that I was worth more,
that just some random person to be lied to.
To find the peace that I need in my heart.
I know that I sound like a broken record.
I want everything that everyone else wants in their life.
Love, happiness, joy, health, family, friends...
Take two steps forward,
and three steps back...
'Tis my life...
for now.
It is exhausting.
Something is going to happen,
and it will be sooner rather than later.
I can't explain it.
But I feel it.
I am in the process of writing him a letter.
A very detailed letter that is to be given to him upon my death.
Not that it will matter much to him,
or anyone else...
but it does to me.
~and no, don't take this as "the bad thing that will be happening soon"
not me...not yet.~
It's just that,
after thinking about this for some time,
I feel like I need to get some things off my chest,
and he is the one that needs to know them.
I'm really not fooling myself.
I know he doesn't really care.
So, why does it matter so much to me?
I don't know that I can answer that...
it just does.
I have a very dear friend,
whom, it would appear,
is working things out with their ex.
I am thrilled for my friend.
And I am jealous.
I know that I don't want Mr. Wonderful back,
but
it would be nice if we were able to talk...
to communicate...
about issues that invaded our marriage.
To find some sort of closure.
To understand what happened.
To know that I was worth more,
that just some random person to be lied to.
To find the peace that I need in my heart.
I know that I sound like a broken record.
I want everything that everyone else wants in their life.
Love, happiness, joy, health, family, friends...
Take two steps forward,
and three steps back...
'Tis my life...
for now.
It is exhausting.
posted by Janet @ 9:27 AM
1 Comments:
At 7:26 PM,
todd day said…
Damn do I know the feelings swirling around in your head. Closure is always hard coming for the brokenhearted.
Tori and I are still very much a "work in progress" .... yeah, we are trying to work it all out but it is very hard still. Issues ... lots of issues ... but for now time is on our side.
Unfortunately, I know that you're thinking just the opposite. That time is not on your side ... and I'm not sure what to tell you, except that I keep praying that, like Donna said, he will stand up, be a man and face the music. He owes that to you.
In the meantime ... look out for yourself and your girls. Keep the three of you at the top of your priority list. It's obvious he doesn't give a shit about your girls but at least you do! Hold on to that.
And just keep making notes ... mental notes and write things down. Every little shitty thing he has said or done to you .... write it down .... time, place, context, circumstance ..... cause when the time comes to go to court and "pay the fiddler" .... you'll have plenty of ammo on your side. He left you .... so the burden will be on him to explain to a judge why he deserves "anything" at all.
I'll keep praying for you my friend and you do the same for me.
Lottsa love from NC!!
toddster
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