the end is almost here...

its coming...
right around the corner...
and i still hate it...
and i hate that i still hate it...
ugh...

i wish we lived in a world where divorce didn't exist...
where people worked on their issues...
instead of running away...

i was involved in a phone conference yesterday with my lawyer,
his lawyer, and of course....him

he hasn't changed much...
still as arrogant as ever...

he truly doesn't get it...
and really doesn't care...

i think that is what hurts the most...
that he really just doesn't care...

and i'm still here,
trying to make sense of what has happened...
for myself and my children.

sometimes i feel like my blood is boiling inside of me...
my arms and legs feel very restless...
my neck is so tight...
i want to scream that this just isn't fair...
but i know it doesn't matter...
it is what it is...

i want to find a way to put this all behind me...
and move on...

i don't talk to much about any of this with my friends anymore...
one friend let me know in no uncertain terms that i was my children's greatest issue...
that i've done more damage than my ex ever could have...

so...i shut down.
i very rarely speak of what is my life.

i try to act all happy inside,
but i'm really not.

so i pray that when everyting is finalized,
i will find the closure that i need...

because he needs to just go away.
forever.

It's Been A While...

It's been a while since I last wrote...

Life is moving forward,
like I knew it would...
Just not always the way I think it should!
But who am I to say how it should go?
I'm just a needy, greedy person who wants it
my way...
But thats ok...
I'm only human, right?
I'm working full time...
finally!
My youngest is doing well in school...
all honors classes!
And my oldest has finally gone to see a counselor.
It wasn't easy to get her to that point,
but I'm so happy that she took that first step.
It is going to be a long haul,
but we are used to that now...
this is only going to work if she takes this slowly and seriously.
Did I mention how much I love my girls?
They mean the world to me.
I want so much for both of them.
As for me...
maybe my time will come...
someday.

She's Home

She's home.

It was a long, hard road, but she's home.
It's not easy, though.
I some how feel broken inside.
I don't feel like I can trust anyone...
and that doesn't feel good.

Again...the ripple effect.
You know, like when you throw a pebble into the water,
and watch how the rings around the mark of entry grow bigger and bigger...
going on and on...
that's how I feel.
Everything has a ripple effect.
Everything that has happened the past two years...
just keeps going on and on.
I don't know how to stop it.
Everyone thinks I should...
but I still feel stuck...
caught up in the waves that grow bigger and bigger.

My oldest is home,
and seems to be trying...but I'm not sure that I trust that yet.
Is she just "snowing" me?
Saying what I want to hear?
I don't know.

And now my youngest is trying me...
pushing buttons and testing limits set.
Is is just because she is 15?
Or is it more?
She changed when her sister left.
And she has a "boyfriend".
I think its moving way too fast...
and that scares me.
She thinks she is so much more mature than her sister.
She doesn't even fully understand the realm of what could happen to her.
I don't want her to grow up to fast.
She thinks she can handle anything.
Oh, to be so naive again.

She tells me that I don't trust her...
and she's right.
I don't really trust in anyone or anything anymore.
That's no way to live.
So what do I do?
I'm afriad of losing her too.
How pathetic is that?
She's been very mouthy and argumentative with me.
And because I'm the only one here to be the "heavy"...
the only one to lay down any rules with her...
she wants to go and see her dad.
I don't know why that bothers me, but it does.
I'm the one that has been here.
I'm the one who has had to deal with everything...
all the ripple effects, on my own, trying to save my family.
And he gets the good side of her now...

I never knew I could feel so crappy about so many things,
but the past two years have shown me that I'm not the person I thought I was.
I feel lost, and I don't know who to fix me.

But for now, I should just rejoice and be happy knowing that my oldest daughter is back.
She's home.

And pray that my youngest doesn't follow in her sister's footsteps.

My Little Run-Away

On Thursday of last week, April 27, 2006, my oldest daughter did the unimaginable.
She did something that has left me feeling so very sad,
so heartbroken,
so angry.
She hurt so many people with her actions.
What did she do?
She left.
She walked away.
She dropped out of school...
with only days to go before graduating.
She ran away with a "man" she only briefly met two years ago.
A man that doesn't know of the lies that my child has told.
She is living with a family that thought they were doing the right thing for my daughter,
without getting the facts.
They all believed a child...
took her word as if it were written in gold,
and helped her to leave her home.
The people that love her the most.
Me.
I have discovered that the lies she has told to so many people are so outlandish,
so unbelievable,
so disturbed...
and THEY believed her.
They didn't get the facts.
They didn't even try.
They just took her work for it...
and now she is a high school drop-out.
I am angry.
I am hurt.
I am confused.
I am sad.
The child that I love so,
decided it best to spread her wings now...
before getting her diploma...
all while spreading lies about me, to her teachers and her friends.
Just like spreading manure on a flower garden.
My child is obviously in need of counsel.
I've been trying...
I've been pleading...
I've been praying.
But she still left.
Without a word.
Just like it was any other day...
she got out of the car when I dropped her off at at school...
and never looked back.
She snuck away like a criminal.
Afraid to face the people that love her the most.
She was a coward.
And I'm in pain.
Pain, because my child needs help.
And she wouldn't allow me to help her.
She ran away from her problems...
only to create more.
Maybe it is selfish of me to feel the way I do...
but I am hurt.
I am angry.
Very angry.
I feel betrayed.
Again.
By yet another person in my life, that I loved more than life itself.
I almost feel like she isn't my daughter anymore.
And I don't like the way that feels.
Maybe that is how I need to deal with this right now.
When I look at her picture,
I don't know who it is that I am looking at anymore...
just like her dad.
I don't know if I'm strong enough to take anymore.
I don't know how to keep moving on.
And yet I have another child who needs me.
Now its just the two of us.
That doesn't sound right...
it should be the three of us.
I pray that God will take care of Brittany now.
I can only hope that she will come to her senses before too long, and see what chaos she has created for all of us.
I fear that she will learn a very hard lesson.
The trust between us is broken,
and I pray that we can be healed.
I am her mother.
And I will love her unconditionally,
but I will not always support her decisions.

It Is What It Is...

when life gives you lemons, make lemonade...right?
ok...
sounds good,
but isn't always so easy.

i have felt defeated, crapped on, sad, insane...you name it.
but i've also felt happiness, joy, love...
not as deeply as before,
but its there.
there is a light,
no matter how dim it sometimes appears.

but, just when i think i can't possibly have anything else thrown on top of the heap...
boom!
surprise!
there it is...just one more thing...
maybe even two...
i won't say what it is at this time,
but i know that my real friends will be there for me...
if it turns out to be something.
but lets pray that it turns out to be nothing.

i was thinking today...
do you think that the devil had a talk with God about me?
do you think he said, "let me use her...let me see what kind of fun I can have with her?"
and do you think that God said OK...do what you want for now, because in time, she will know what I do...that she is stronger than the evil in her life.
Do you suppose that its true what is said?
"what doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger"
I wonder about it.

I know that my faith has been shaken...and i'm embarrassed to admit it.
I still believe,
but not like I should.
How do I change that?
I understand that things happen for a reason,
but...

wait...
there shouldn't be a "but"...
they do, so you adjust.
you meet them, and go on.
because you have to.

God please give me strength, or help me to see that I have the strength needed to get through everything that is a test to me...so that I can move forward, be strong, and healthy...for myself and my daughters.

the support hearing and my need to vent...

about the support hearing, and my need to vent...

the support hearing was a real eye opener for me.
i was fairly sure that they would cut the support, and that didn't really bother me as much as what he said...and that i wasn't allowed to be heard. i know that now is the time to put me first, then the girls...i have to do it, so that they can do it.

don't get me wrong, i was sad; but today am feeling rather feisty...and froggy!
he's a f*** up, we all know it...and that's fine.

i know that i have been on a roller coaster ride for the past two years now...and between you and me...i usually love roller coasters! but it's time for this one to stop...and for me to get off. the girls and i will be ok. we've always had each other, and will continue to do so. i'm not afraid of being "alone"...i've been doing that for a very long time now...i worry more about how i will take care of things...but i will...i'll find a way...and it will all be good.

i think i need to go to one of the many theme parks in florida, and hop on a REAL roller coaster! how much fun that will be!!!!

support hearing...

i had my support hearing this morning, via phone conference.
just listening to him talk made me feel ill.
he was so smug and so arrogant.
honestly, if i didn't recognize his voice, i wouldn't have known it was him.

he said during the hearing that i took the girls and abandoned
him...leaving him with the house and all payments associated with it.
i abandoned him.

what a concept.

he wouldn't admit that he moved up there to be with his girlfriend, and that he was living in her house that was already established, and paid for. he said that this hearing had nothing to do with that. he also stated that he took a $26,000 pay cut to move up there, and that he couldn't afford to live. essentially, he went from making $91,000 a year (including military retirement) to $65,700. And he's having trouble making it. He said that i left him broke, leaving him with marital bills.

who filed for bankruptcy? oh yeah...that was me.

he also said (in one breath, mind you) that he would always take care of his girls, and that I knew that. He also said that Brittany would be emanicpated in June, and that all support for her would be terminated.

Huh?

He said that he would help Brittany and Shannon with college, but that Brittany needs to get off her butt and start filling out apps for grants and financial aid.

We have no dental insurance, and he couldn't/wouldn't answer why he did not tell us...we've been asking since november. the worst part is, he isn't going to provide any for the girls, either.

what a guy.

i know you have to be in as much shock as i am...i don't know what happened to the guy i used to know, but he's long gone...looking out for #1 who happens to be last on all of our lists.

oh yeah...he got his wish...they cut the support that he has to pay...not that he's been paying it all anyway. should have known.

really, its not about the money...not at all. i just don't understand why he can do what he wants, and has been for the past two years...probably longer...and there is no recourse...nothing matters...nobody cares...he just keeps winning.

Why?